(You Just Stand)

My best friend has gotten back together with her controlling, isolating and destructive boyfriend.  I’ve tried just about everything I can imagine to keep this girl from making a stupid mistake but my best efforts are failing.  How can I protect her from herself?

John, Chicago

John,

Accepting people as they are has the uncanny affect of bringing out the best in them. At their best, people are not so resistant to changing.  When most people decide to change, it is because of their own volition at their discretion.  Arguing with someone about changing by placing judgment on their current state only ensures that they stay in it.  As much as you love your best friend, the more she feels like you aren’t respecting or accepting her decision, the more she may begin to resent you which only pushes her even further into his arms.   

As destructive, as controlling and as isolating as he may be, there is something that's attracting your friend to him.  Now we can spend all day talking about what she may be lacking or how she doesn’t have self-love if she lets him control her and blah, blah, blah but here's the reality.  If your friend is in fact old enough to make decisions on her own then there’s little you can do to stop her.  Just as you would with any other friend, if the scales of give and take become grossly uneven then you might want to reconsider the friendship altogether. 

Sit down and have a heart to heart conversation with your friend.  Let her know in a very calm manner exactly how you feel.  After that you are going to have to find a way to care for your friend and accept the decision that she has made. If you are a praying man, you should definitely place her safety and well being near the top of your prayer list.  This is not to say that if you feel your friend’s life is in danger at any point not to have 911 programmed in your phone on speed dial.  Truly loving her may mean that you find a way to respect her decision while being there for her whenever she needs you.

~Jacob